i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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