took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
