best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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