This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
