well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
