guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
