Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
a search helicopter?!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
