I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
