I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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