Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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