He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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