You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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