Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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