I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
