This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
