Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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