just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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