You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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