If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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