having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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