I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
