his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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