I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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