Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
