I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
