You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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