oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
