He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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