Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
