if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
