I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
