I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
