The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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