i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
