They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
In other news, I just burned my penis
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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