we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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