she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
