I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
