someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
