God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
