i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
