my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
