I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
