i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
