I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
