He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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