awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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