They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
