I'm pants shitting drunk right now
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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