omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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