Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
