The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
