Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
