His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The air taste purple.
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