you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
