What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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