shes about as inviting as chlamydia
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
