Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
please come you make the beer taste better
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
