Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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